Tired

I feel so tired and unhappy.
I feel I've got shackles.
I am not free.
I cannot make my own decisions.

If u knew me, you'd know the more you restrain me the more I want to break free.

Good luck na lang sa future nating lahat.
If u keep controlling me, you keep pushing me away.

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Nagger

I am so tired of being with my husband 24/7.
I work with him (same training class and all)
Live with him (obviously).
Sleep beside him.

I loved it at first. We were so sweet and all.
Lately it has been different.
He's always nagging me with my spanish.
He always commands me to do this and that.
He's a nagger and I'm so tired of hearing those things from him.
I know he means well. He's pressured with money problems (reason why I'm working now too). He's pressure sa work (na baka matanggal kami etc). I feel him, and I am pressured too. But that's the thing. I don't nee him to  pressure me. I'm pressured enough. Kung alam niya lang. tas dadagdag pa siya. Tangina mamamatay na ko sa stress neto.
Ang tendency tuloy naghahanap ako ng de-stresser sa ibang mga bagay. na imbes na together, masaya kaming dalawa (enough as de-stresser na), hindi, kasi mas lalo siyang nakakastress.
I actually feel scared with the rate we're going now. I don't want to hate him. I don't want to associate him with stress. I don't wanna live my life like how y mom does, na takot lagi kay tito bob, laging ineexpect na magaaway sila pag magkasama sila. laging defensive. kasi gnun na nangyayari rin eh.

Pls help me God....

Wala ka lang sa mood?!
Wala ka lang sa mood mahalin ako?

I don't understand why are you being like this?

You say you're not mad. You say you are just not in the mood, but it's only to me you're like this. I ask you why but you cannot answer. What does it mean? Why are you like this?!

I can't sleep coz I keep on wondering why.
I cry. I can't eat well. Can't sleep. Can't you see the effect you're having on me?!

I keep in thinking why. All dark thoughts come to my mind. Maybe you realize you don't love me anymore? Maybe you feel we're not meant to be? Maybe you feel you want something other than me....
Oh my thoughts, please stop so I can sleep. Please return to your old sweet caring self. As much as you sometimes make me mad, it hurts coz I love you.

Wow! Kaya ka ganito ngayon kasi natangahan ka sa tanong ko at nabuwiset ka sakin?!?!?! Tapos buong araw mo ko di pinapansin?!?!?! Tas nagtaka ka pa bat ganito ako ngayon?!?!!!

Putang ina mo ka!

Pagtapos mo sabihin yun sakin, taka ka pang naiyak ako!

Putang ina! Iyak to sa galit ko sayo!!!!!!

Ang babaw mo!

Buti sana kung sinadya ko!

So ano feeling ko ang tanga ko at nagsisisi ka na nabuntis mo ko?!?!

Eto lang masasabi ko, lagi na ko matatakot sayo sa mga tanong ko. Gusto mo ba yun??? Di na ko magiging truly happy sayo! Putangina! Di mo ko mahal ng totoo!!!

Kung ganon lang kadali maging ok dagol sa mga sinabi mo. And the way you talked to me today, our relationship is scarred!!

Fuck you!

Yun lang masasabi ko.

What the hell is your problem?!?!?!

Why are u still mad?!

I ddnt even do anything wrong!

I can't read minds you know!!!!!!!!

Taray to hubby

I've been mataray lately to Manny. I don't know why. Maybe coz he's been home for long stretches and I need more alone time? Haha! Just a guess. Lol. Maybe coz everytime I see him I get reminded of the pressure of learning to speak spanish. Yeah, I guess that's it.

The First. Drop it all

First post on my secret blog.
No one can read this, so what can I write. hmmm.

Drinking wine alone. No, I'm not sad. Just ALWAYS stressed with the mommy duties thing. How I wish I can just let go and do nothing, and sleep late and wake up late. Go to spontaneous beach trips. Go when I want to go.
I am happy but sometimes tired. To be honest I'm not even a perfect mother and wife.
I have been known to wakeup late. skip breakfast for the family.  I have a dirty house most times. I play  DVD for my kids, so I can sleep in the afternoon (sometimes). I almost always forget to give their vitamins.
When I mad, I normally shout at my kids (which I feel guilty for right after). I'm not perfect, but I'm not the worst. Maybe in time, I'll get better at this. In time, I'll get used to the routines, schedules, etc.
 Myabe I just need a vacation, and then I'll miss being a mommy.