unhappily married.

It's been 2 years since I have been posting here. within those two years. I tried to be happy with you. I don't know where it went wrong. We were happy before. I was inlove with you. I can't remember when and exactly how it happened..but I guess I don't love you anymore. I am just staying because I am trying and you're not as bad as I portray you here. You are sweet. You love our kids. I feel you love me and you just have peculiar ways of showing that.

But..you cannot change me. You cannot make me just a wife and a mommy. I am me. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have fun. I don't know how to make you realize this without sounding that I don't care about my family, because you're good at that, making me feel that I am selfish. That now that I am a mother, I should dedicate my whole life to you guys. I get that. but ganun na lang ba yun?? wala na sakin? parang namatay na ko at alila na ko ninyo?

if it's like that.. I don't think I want to be married. Lahat bang galaw ko kelangan may approval mo, eh ang strict mo. Kumain lang saglet with friends, ayaw mo pa minsan eh.

Yesterday, I went out, dapat kasama ka, pero ayaw mo, or naisip mo siguro better na hindi. I had fun. I was with friends, I finally had time for me. I admit i was at fault kasi nga naman tagal ko wala, tas late pa ko umuwi. pero umuwi ako. alam mo kung nasan ako. kilala mo kung sino kasama ko. Birthday ng boss natin. Matagal na akong di nakaalis.  Mali ako na hindi ako nakinig sayo... pero yun na nga eh. Kelangan lagi makikinig sayo,. Hindi mo ba kaya magalaga ng mga bata magisa?isang gabi lang? feeling mo naisahan kita/? tas to top it off tinext mo pa sa boss natin na go to hell ako. nakakahiya. dumadamay ka pa ng iba. so, kung di ako makinig sayo, gagawa ka ng paraan para mapilitan ako makinig sayo?? ano tawag sayo? ano tawag dun? haay.

The next day, pinilit kong magrelax. na di na magalit. Sabi ko sa sarili ko na kasalanan ko naman kahit na naiinis ako on how u handled things it all started naman with me. Na hindi ako naging clear na di pala kasama faith bigla etc.. so I cleaned, I cooked, I even bought coke for you. Pag uwi ko, I wanted to hug u and say sorry, but you shoved me away.............


so......


Ayoko na. Ayoko na magsorry.


Ayoko na ng ganito lagi. mas gusto ko na lang mag-isa. kaya ko naman.






haaaay. di ko lang masabi sayo.... kasi di ko lam kung gano ka kagalit magiging, natatakot ako kung pano mo ihandle to.







naisip ko rin baka mababaw.




pero di na ko masaya.

Not happy

Times like these, its so hard to think of somethng that makes me happy. Well most of the time my kids do or the love of my hubby does it but today is a challenging day for both. Siyempre ang kukulit ng mga anak ko, wala pang pasok si mikel and lucas ddnt sleep. I actually had the chance to just sleep this aftrnoon but that was because of another pang asar. I was in the mood to pasyal since its sweldo and all and I had rest the day before. Anyway, it was planned to go to sm pagkahatid k mikel sa school. But si manny biglang nambabara, nagtatanong ano gagawin sa sm and when I answered parang di enough sagot ko tas ok lang sana kung magsuggest naman siya but no. Parang nairita na siya agad! At pinangangaralan na ko! Ayoko na tuloy umalis,nawala yung essense. Gusto ko nakabonding sila sa pasyal pero kung iritable eh di wag nlng. So sa sbrng inis ko, natulog nlng ako.tas mga 6pm ginigising ako manny para ako nmn daw magalaga! Hello! May pasok kaya ako?!?! Sya nga jang walang pasok. Nakatulpg naman siya ng gabi. Di ba nya kayang isa buong araw with our kids?!!!?!? Lagi nlng ganito pag off nya. Lagi nlng nya ko inaaway. Lagi nlng mainit ulo. I hate thursdays!!!

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Sigaw

Sige sigawan mo pa ko.....
Sa bawat sigaw mo sakin, lumalayo ang damdamin ko sayo..
Sige pa. Push me away.

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Tired

I feel so tired and unhappy.
I feel I've got shackles.
I am not free.
I cannot make my own decisions.

If u knew me, you'd know the more you restrain me the more I want to break free.

Good luck na lang sa future nating lahat.
If u keep controlling me, you keep pushing me away.

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Nagger

I am so tired of being with my husband 24/7.
I work with him (same training class and all)
Live with him (obviously).
Sleep beside him.

I loved it at first. We were so sweet and all.
Lately it has been different.
He's always nagging me with my spanish.
He always commands me to do this and that.
He's a nagger and I'm so tired of hearing those things from him.
I know he means well. He's pressured with money problems (reason why I'm working now too). He's pressure sa work (na baka matanggal kami etc). I feel him, and I am pressured too. But that's the thing. I don't nee him to  pressure me. I'm pressured enough. Kung alam niya lang. tas dadagdag pa siya. Tangina mamamatay na ko sa stress neto.
Ang tendency tuloy naghahanap ako ng de-stresser sa ibang mga bagay. na imbes na together, masaya kaming dalawa (enough as de-stresser na), hindi, kasi mas lalo siyang nakakastress.
I actually feel scared with the rate we're going now. I don't want to hate him. I don't want to associate him with stress. I don't wanna live my life like how y mom does, na takot lagi kay tito bob, laging ineexpect na magaaway sila pag magkasama sila. laging defensive. kasi gnun na nangyayari rin eh.

Pls help me God....

Wala ka lang sa mood?!
Wala ka lang sa mood mahalin ako?

I don't understand why are you being like this?

You say you're not mad. You say you are just not in the mood, but it's only to me you're like this. I ask you why but you cannot answer. What does it mean? Why are you like this?!

I can't sleep coz I keep on wondering why.
I cry. I can't eat well. Can't sleep. Can't you see the effect you're having on me?!

I keep in thinking why. All dark thoughts come to my mind. Maybe you realize you don't love me anymore? Maybe you feel we're not meant to be? Maybe you feel you want something other than me....
Oh my thoughts, please stop so I can sleep. Please return to your old sweet caring self. As much as you sometimes make me mad, it hurts coz I love you.